You’ve Got me Feeling Emotions

A line in many versions of my bio over the years has read, "A yogi since her father taught her her first sun salutation...," and it's true. From a young age I was taught not only the yoga asanas, or postures, but the dharma:  the Word of the True Self, the nature of reality as taught by ancient spiritual teachers and sages from yogic traditions.  And yet I was also brought to church by my mom.  I practically lived at yoga studios in college. I went just about every single day, sometimes staying for multiple classes.  It gave me a sense of belonging, a community, and felt damn good to my body.  
At one point a college peer had a fatal accident while rock climbing. When I heard of her passing, I immediately went to our campus church.  I needed to hear a different Word.  The minister preaching happened to be a professor of mine - a professor of Eastern philosophy.  The material in that class was so inspiring to me, as was my teacher. As I heard her preaching, I felt so much solace and remember crying, feeling how fragile life was that one of my very own was taken the day before.  When the sermon was done, I approached Mary, the minister and asked her, "Why is it that you teach Eastern philosophy and religion and yet preach Christianity?" My two worlds felt like they were colliding and I needed an answer "I just feel love and compassion from this religion and I'm called to preach about it."

In the past decade I've fallen into many hard times and my once very consistent spiritual practice waned as many new responsibilities became my new norm.  Lately I've been thinking about seasons of life and how the trees are stripped bare in the winter, and come back into full bloom in the spring. Perhaps they get cold and don't feel like standing upright anymore but you'd never know it. They do it anyway. They keep on standing season after season, year after year. Growing. Creating more rings. Seeing so much change around them. Collecting more and more stories.
As humans we go through seasons too. Seasons of great joy. Seasons of grief. Seasons of bliss. Seasons of pain. And we're meant to feel all of it. We're also meant to grow from it.  When a river makes its path, if something like a big boulder is in it's way, it travels around it.  If it's a smaller rock, it can travel right over it. It can feel something and without hesitating, it creates a new path. Human beings are a bit more complicated.  These things called emotions wash over us.  Happiness creates cascades of laughter, grief brings cascades of tears.  Bliss creates euphoria and smiles - and pain leaves us grimacing and depressed.  But why do we stay there? 
I've realized over the years after long bouts of depression, and long years of happiness that nothing is forever. So why do we pretend that it's going to be? 

Lately I've been much more aware of these emotions as they come and go, and I have learned to try and feel them completely.  I'm not one to play the "single mom card" but it is my own personal experience as a single mom, as a solo business owner, as an educator of yoga teachings and natural wellness that it's necessary for me to seek out growth every single day.  I've realized that if I'm not growing with intention every single day then I'm moving in the opposite direction.  That can be said of anybody in any profession but in this one I see daily markers that remind me: with numbers and ranks in my business, number of followers, number of people in my classes and money in my bank accounts.  And I have learned to love ALL of it.  
I've been meditating more and more, attending more and more yoga classes instead of teaching and in the past three days I've meditated for an hour at a time.  It's reminded me of the musical album I released six years ago, Emotions Sit, and how emotions aren't meant to linger, but to be experienced, and then to wash over us. Instead of wallowing in a state or holding a grudge, I have learned to see difficult people as my teachers, and here's what I say: And I love that. I have learned to see low numbers in my bank account as an opportunity to grow. And I love that. I have learned to see fewer people in classes as a chance to become more intimate. And I love that. I have learned that more people and more numbers and more followers means more responsibility. And I love that. 

Kyle Cease, author of "The Illusion of Money" would say this about growth and your emotions: "You eat every day right? And so you relieve yourself every day, right? Then you should be doing the same thing with your emotions when you grow and shed your old self and your old story!" Crying in our society is deemed "sad" and puts people into a victim mindset - so when we go through hard times, we have been trained that something is wrong with us, and it, along with shame that we are sad, keeps us there.  Kyle would say to cry it out, and once you realize you're crying, admit to yourself that you're sad. And that YOU LOVE THAT.  

A dear yoga teacher said recently, "Awareness of what one is feeling is at the heart of traditional approaches to asana and meditation.  Looking for shortcuts by turning away from what is painful or difficult and valuing achievement over process are antithetical to yoga."

And so I'm reminded once again how important a spiritual path is and how, even more important, a daily spiritual practice. I have words up all over my office that read, "I am answering people's prayers," and "There's no discipline that's pleasant at the time but it yields a harvest of Righteousness," and "Fall Madly in love with the life you've been given," to remind me every single day that even though life is hard, everything is meant to be experienced and to find gratitude in it. I have a church community, a yoga community, a communities of friends and mommas and people interested in wellness and growth. And I need and love all of it: all of the alone time, all of the people, and all of the good times and bad times.

My hope is that you find yours. And that you love all of it too. 

Om namah